sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead

"Don't forget me, I beg.

I'll remember, you said."

moving on

Last night, no, actually at 6am this morning, I had my first post-Colombian sex. It was rough and meaningless. My first time having meaningless sex.

A hot acquaintance was in town for a visit. I fell asleep on the sofa after a slightly bizarre night of him constantly flirting with me and pulling sexual maneuvers on me. I was awaken by him lying on top of me and roughhousing me sexually. He said I was too sexy to resist (deja vu - that's why I'm Colombian's weakness). We took it to the guest bedroom. Let's just say, I reciprocated but didn't enjoy it. It was physically painful. He finished off fast thankfully and I went back to sleep in my bedroom.

He used me for sex, I used him for that 30 minutes of physical closeness to a man. He's staying another night; I'm sure he's had his taste and that's all he wanted. So hopefully there wouldn't be any awkwardness tonight because I had my taste and that's painful enough.

That said, I miss Colombian dearly. With him, it was never just sex. It truly was making love. He gives me gentle loving romance, and my needs always comes first. The only time he's slightly rough is during make up sex.

However, there are no fights to be having make up sex; there is no more Colombian to be making love.

This is my first step towards moving on.

Summary: Had meaningless sex this morning which made me miss everything that Colombian was to me.

if only i could one more time

I go to bed thinking about falling asleep in your arms. I wake up thinking about kissing you good morning. I get out of bed and go to work. I come home and make dinner and sleep. Life goes on. Without you.

aftertaste

Here we are yet again. He's like a drug I can't quit. He's making more effort this time around. I take comfort in that.

You know what... I hate coffee aftertaste. Yet I still drink it again and again. I figure, in my own convoluted way of thinking, Colombian is like coffee. He's constantly left a bad aftertaste in my mouth, but I keep going back to him.

"We'll make it work this time," we lie to ourselves.

I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

This was us once. I want this again.

limbo

I met with Colombian twice today. Here are my STUPID moves I made today:

#1: I missed him when I woke up so I called him. Turns out, he was at home. He was in the hospital all day yesterday due to a stomach virus. He tried texting me but it was rejected so he thought I blocked him.

#2: I went by his place this morning before work to give him some medicine. We hugged and of course being us, one thing led to another...

#3: ...because one thing led to another, I exposed myself to his transmittable virus which leads to number #4...

#4: I fly out in a few days. Imagine having a stomach virus on a 30 hr flight including layover time. I have to transit in 2 other countries.

#5: He texts me later in the day, asking me what he should have for dinner. I tell him clear noodle soup would be best. I offer to go with him.

#6: We have dinner and he takes me to the bookstore to get me some books for my flight. We hug and kiss all night.

I'm so stupid. I'm leaving my wounds exposed for him to continuing rubbing salt on it. He still doesn't know what he wants. He still needs space. I didn't want to tell him that I was leaving the country for 3-4 weeks. But I ended up telling him and he thinks it'll give him the space he needs. But he doesn't know if it'll be long enough.

I'm so stupid. We're still in limbo. FUCK ME.

final goodbye

Colombian broke up with me again. 3 weeks after our one year anniversary, 2 weeks after my birthday that he didn't even celebrate with me. We were supposed to celebrate it this week. But he chose to break up with me because he said he doesn't know what he wants, in life or in relationships or in anything. He's going through a midlife crisis.

I want him to miss me. I want him to want me again. But I don't think so. He sounded so final. So much for being in love.

I'm booking a ticket tonight to leave in 2 weeks for a 3 week vacation out of the country ALONE. Hopefully it'll do me some good.

Almost loved. Again.